One, two, three.. one, two, three.. you, me, us.. you, me, us...
We, in America, tend to long for being swept up in the wondrous mystery of attraction… the falling in love with, or search for that key soul mate. Personally, I don’t have a single complaint or objection about being lead by the heart… although it is nice to have all other parts on board as well when making important decisions. But I also want to honor all of the infinite ways and reasons for people to come together as a couple. Everyone’s needs, personal histories, and intentions vary so much, that what people seek and need in a relationship is going to vary greatly as well.
In our culture, where we do have the freedom to enter relationships under pretty-much whatever pretence we want to, “love” has become the gold standard of what a good marriage is built on. I wouldn’t argue with this… there’s certainly a rightness to it. After-all, quintessential love can weather all hardships. But what of the many times people ride into union on the wings of a fervently beating heart and security seeking commitment, only to find that things don’t quite add up like they’d hoped. If great disillusionment, pain, and resentment start to pile into the picture, the love aspect certainly does come in handy when working through what this is all about. Still, many of us have come to a place where the life-long commitment comes to a close in a way that elicits the title “failed relationship”. There’s something about this that I think could really use the salve of compassionate understanding.
It’s true that divorce doesn’t hold the same stigma it once did, so this thread of pain and shame has loosened-up quite a bit. But the pain and resentment of dashed expectations, as well as the implication of bad judgment, are maybe even more present, now that our unions are often based more on very personal intentions.
My impression is, that these so-called failed relationships may have been more successful than people tend to give them credit for. If you think back to what it was that brought the relationship into being… what was it that you really wanted or needed? And what was it that came about? If you learned something about yourself, or you partner, that you didn’t know, then this is not a bad thing. If you married a version of your mother or father, chances are you just needed to work on these particular dynamics some more. If you came to terms with this, and freed yourself in the end, then great! Were there aspects of abuse which needed to be faced that you decided not to be part of any more… there’s saving grace here. Do you feel like you just made a big mistake, or that what once was simply is no more? Then you’ve learned some important things, and it’s so good to free each other up to move on. No need to further entrench what wasn’t working with judgment and resentment.
In fact, I tend to think that the true success of a relationship comes down to how well a person is able to navigate the hard times, rather than how brightly we shine, or how long we remain, in the relationship. Certainly it’s a great and increasingly uncommon thing to be married for 50 or 60 years. This is definitely quite the accomplishment. But when looking at the relationship over-all… if it were a painting, that both of you created together, what does that picture look like? Were the dark times terribly dark and painful? Was the foundation and ground-work weak? Was there an effort to treat the darkness with respect?… or was there a tendency to white-wash the profound depths of pain? Is there cohesion, or a lovely but dramatic dance of opposites? Has the degree of pain turned much of what was beautiful to muddy defeat?… or were you able to starkly but compassionately see the pain for what it is and acknowledge it’s poignant truth without deadening or defacing the real beauty of the whole picture.
Each relationship, whether it’s a brief conversation had with the checkout person at the grocery store, or one that’s spanned an entire life, has the potential to be a great work of art… or not. It’s up to us.
7 comments:
First and foremost, the most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself. My grandad and my daddy taught me about the man in the mirror, and the funny thing is, I found out that guy watches every move I make. Now it is, that he is a benevolent soul, but as luck would have it, has also been known to raise an eyebrow unexpectedly. Of course, not wishing to suffer admonishment from the man in the mirror, I am reluctant to attract too much adverse attention from him, and therefore I am prone to dispense with as many inapproriate attributes of my human failings as possible. I have found that in releasing these burdens that have encumbered me historically with reflected scowls, I am gifted with the compensation of respect from the man in the mirror. My ever- present companion is my wisest judge of character and my closest friend. We see each other eye to eye, and we know that what is right for each other, is also so for others. In friendship and all matters of the heart, I always consult with the Man in the Mirror.
He holds me true.
I have found in my teaching practice that every lesson learned has value, whether or not we get the result we want. This is hard for children and their parents to get sometimes. How many times do we shelter children from experience in order to save them from pain and humiliation? Within limits, each and every situation has much to teach us, sometimes especially the painful ones.
We all suffer for the cure , no ? It is great , and paremount , to have a healthy " relationship " with one's self . Certainly before hoping to have one with someone else , that needs to be established in this day and age . Though I think that a lot of the people , like say , my parents , who have been married for over fifty years , had no idea who they were , where they were going , or what they really wanted when they were first married . Perhaps it was a simpler , more innocent time , and in light of WWII , and the whole we are all in this together , and need to pull together as a team , people did just that . We are products of the " Me Generataion ", and an age of pre-nups, drive in weddings , astronomical divorce rates , and Sex In The City . Things seem to have changed .
Among the Plains Tribes of Native Americans , the " man in the mirror " ( please God , do not think I am quoting Michael Jackson ) was everyone . And everything . Reflection , introspection , self examination . Great stuff . But , in a relationship , there is often not space for that practice unless we really struggle for it . Throw in a few dogs , a kid or two , busy work schedules , Schools and extracurricular activities , preparing meals , house work , etc...etc...etc... you get the idea . I agree that how we deal with the hard times defines the true substance of a relationship . Anyone can shine when things are rosy and fresh , and we are all getting what we want . And I would agree , also , that perhaps there is no such thing as a failed relationship . Perhaps we fail only when we do not learn and grow from the experience . In light of that approach , perhaps , to some degree , a relationship can be defined by what survives and endures after parting ways . Are we bitter and resentful and seeking to strike out and hurt , or do we strive to understand , relate , and fully understand what endures ? Certainly , loss brings pain , whether it is a tooth , or a job , or a spouse or loved one . But , in the end , do we not loose all we know ? What can we hold onto , when we are on our death beds ? When even our breath is hard to come by ? Experience . The moment . Well...once again , I am feeling like I am slipping off the edge of the world here ... when I get close to the core , I feel like I am grasping everything , and nothing at the same time . Odd...
Thank you Anne!
What you have to say and write touches the heart and mind. I find it interesting that your paintings express with the same clarity and deft stroke…
george
I think the man in the mirror concept to be the essence of any relationship that is ultimately true to itself, and I also beleive that unconditional love is so rare it is virtually nonexistant. The finest, longest lasting, most holy marriage relationships can be brought to it's knees when money and financial ruin enter the picture. I have seen opposition to this view destroyed by many 'death do us part marriages' when reality has reared it's ugly head.
Thanks very much for your kind comment, George, and thanks everyone for the great input here.
Hubertg... Thanks for your beautifully stated input. Your last comment gets right to the heart of the matter, as I see it anyway. You not only touch on the need for entering the reflective process completely in order to truly experience what the relationship is about, be able to get the message, and know yourself through true intimacy, but also the way in which doing so does eventually tend to bring people to face their greatest fears and deepest wounds.
Unfortunately, this does often come down to money these days, but I kind-of think the underlying basis for this might be security... although I'm not sure. I'd hate to think that, "The finest, longest lasting, most holy marriage relationships..." could be taken down by mere greed. I've certainly known of a number of relationships where the expectation of security (whether that means security in monetary wealth, an emotional safe harbor, or unchanging conditions within the relationship) has been dashed in some way, and the disappointed person then takes the other for whatever they can as compensation. In a situation like this, I'd seriously question what it is that the people are labeling as "love". I completely agree that the vast majority of the time, when people are using the word love, they are not talking about quintessential or unconditional love.
However you run these painful relationship scenarios though, the tendency to have things crash and burn, and then echo on for many years in the form of angst and resentment, and to have this be an acceptable norm, I think is at the core of another piece of the human condition puzzle. The man in the mirror, which Hubertg and Phil point to, is key, so I'd like to lay out my version of that down here, which might offer a way out of how pain routinely gets compounded rather than alleviated via the relationship process:
Even though there are infinite ins and outs to the whole relationship thing, what occurs to each individual about those around them, even if their perceptions are warped, is no mistake. Picture an invisible sphere around each person which represents their personal ability to see the world as it really is vs. only their own reflection and addictions. The more one is able to truly see things for what they are, the more they know real freedom (less pain). But to whatever degree a person's awareness (and whole being really) has been warped by pain, repression, being dictated to and taking on these dictates in a way which denies, distorts and damages a person's true essence, will cause the sphere to then take on the mirroring effect which reflects whatever distortion back to the person. So, until we right (face and deliberately take up) these distortions - illusions - personal holograms, and heal enough to interact with the world more honestly and freely, we are simply faced, over and over, with reflections that, if we really want freedom from a painful cycle, will need to be addressed before we can get there.
I do see the mirroring process as being inevitable, but that it's not a black & white process. It's such a subtle multidimensional mirroring sort of thing, that I don't think people can count on taking the reflection at face value, necessarily. So it's very important to be open to a nuanced message. In essence, the mirroring process is actually an invaluable tool. One that ultimately brings greater personal awareness, real freedom, a compassionate understanding and appreciation of the trials others are going through, and a sense of personal security which can't be taken from you, unless you opt to give it away.
Phil... I really appreciate your laying this out: "Perhaps we fail only when we do not learn and grow from the experience . In light of that approach , perhaps , to some degree , a relationship can be defined by what survives and endures after parting ways . Are we bitter and resentful and seeking to strike out and hurt , or do we strive to understand , relate , and fully understand what endures ?"
I think this is so very important. It's really key to minimizing the tendency to perpetuate the pain of loss, as well as the desire to wield resentment around like a club. The essence, and the beauty of what really was and is true in a relationship, does endure... whether there's been a parting of ways, or the loss of someone due to death. The pain involved however, does very much need to be respected and compassionately processed... this healing and grieving is very real and necessary, however inevitable loss may be. This does not mean though, that pain should be clung to, and periodically hauled out as a tool to gain sympathy and leverage others with (of course). It's a much more personal process than that, which actually has profound beauty all about it.
Many thanks to everyone for taking part!
As this is my first post I will keep it short but I have to say that Anne your blog and everyone's comments are wonderful and I look forward to catching up. He is my first salvo!
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
Post a Comment